You want change? Try me ... for second banana

By STEVE BERLIN
Featured Blogger

The sounds of chains you hear at this time of year are dragged and shaken by the spirits of bygone days. No Marley's Ghost – Jacob nor Bob – but chains embodying the crushed spirits of Al Smith, Adlai Stevenson, and the Wile E. Coyote of American presidential politics, Harold Stassen.

Those who have known me for a while might recall my announcement for the presidency in 2000 (which was of course negated because I was a silly kid of 31), and my failed bid for the vice presidency in 2004. The latter, of course, included a letter to the Kerry campaign detailing my qualifications for the job. I borrow now from that letter.

It is thus that recently, while I should have been working on a pair of final exams, I announced my renewed bid for the vice presidency of the United States.

Somehow, despite all of the madness that has swirled around me since 2004, I have somehow clung to some shred of self-respect and optimism. Yes, the self-respect might in fact be a negative in a bitter campaign, but it is this same quality that enables me to respect others and to make jokes at their expense without getting too bitter about the obvious flaws of my opponents in public.

Skeptics may say I have no electoral experience, and to that I say, "Liars!" I was elected president of my fire department (uncontested) a few years back, and I served in the Temple University student council for less than a semester of my freshman year. Besides, the American people are my people, and in the words of a Jersey Shore office-seeker, "I am a people," so if I want change, then the people surely want change, and who represents change better than me?

What could be a greater change than electing a guy who has never represented the national interest. I mean, look at Dan Quayle. Yeah he was "elected" to the Senate, but come on. What's easier to take, the idea of VP Quayle one heartbeat from the presidency, or VP Steve? Exactly. And don't get me started on Spiro Agnew or Andrew Johnson.

Potential candidates for the big job are automatically contenders for my coveted position of second banana, so let's look at me vs. them and you can draw your own conclusions. I am not a "person of color," so I can't necessarily pull that vote to the party, but I tan pretty good when I'm outside during the summer. I haven't attended an Ivy League school, but I've visited a couple of them a few times. Besides, isn't it time we had someone at the top, or near the top, who went to a school with "real people" and not those rich, brilliant and well-connected phonies who join dinner clubs and secret societies and have significant others named "Muffy," or "Biff?"

I will solemnly swear right now and for all time: I WILL NEVER SPEND $400 ON A HAIRCUT. In fact, if I spend more than $20 (not including tip) I must be drunk or it's a gift.

I am not a Mormon, I believe in evolution as science, I do not think the market will solve all of our problems, I am not an evangelical Christian and have never preached the gospel of anything except where to find the best bagels and pizza. I am not even a member of any Christian denomination, but I can pass for Italian, so that's close.

Of greater importance to my future running mate, be assured I harbor no secret or unsecret ambition to be president, so I will never scheme against you. Heck, it's taken a week's worth of drive just to write this, so you are safe from me. I didn't even want to be president of my fire department, but no one else did, either, and I was drafted.

I also pledge to get Social Distortion and Joan Jett to play an inaugural ball. Or I'll at least try.

Over the next several months I shall reveal my positions on issues such as health care (inlcuding mental health care), military and veterans affairs, crime, the economy and education just as soon as I know what they are. In the meantime, my positions will mostly be sitting, punctuated by emphatic periods of lying down and standing.

So please, help make America a greater place, a place where the common man can rise to the seat of the second banana of the whole shootin' match. A job that allows him to make use of the varied skills of remote-control usage, reading and Web surfing! The very fulfillment of the American Dream as we know it!

John Nance Garner once said the vice presidency "isn't worth a warm bucket of spit," but I ask you, fellow Americans, who the hell wants a warm bucket of spit?

Begin a "Draft Berlin" campaign in your hometown and rock on with your bad self!

Sincerely,
Steve Berlin
Candidate for Vice President of the United States

To contact Mr. Berlin for a speaking engagement, beer, date or a movie, reply to this e-mail or call visit him online at http://www.facebook.com/s.php?k=100000080&id=731888126
or www.myspace.com/stevieb82.